yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
