remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
