Cold hands, warm shart.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
