ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
