i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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