I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
