I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
