I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Pants are for mortals
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
