So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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