he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
