Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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