the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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