Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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