Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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