Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
