wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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