just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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