Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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