She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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