It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
