I can tuck mytits in my pants
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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