new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
