last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
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