I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
