I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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