I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
