I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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