My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
