All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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