i already hear my dad disowning me
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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