at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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