dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
