They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
