he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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