God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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