you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
