Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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