I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
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