You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
