Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
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and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
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Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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