if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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