Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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