yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
