Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
