plz talk dirty to me
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
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