I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Randomize
