rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
