ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
