Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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