If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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