I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
