Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
