Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
