My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
