I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
