she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
