there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just gift wrapped bread.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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