god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
